Kirk Elder is Life President of The Peebles Showboaters Amateur Dramatic Society. For many years a columnist on The Scotsman newspaper, he is currently "in recovery" from the experience. He enjoys parma violets, cloudless winter nights, and the films of Mr Burt Lancaster. He is currently writing his autobiography, "And Not For the Better".
Friday, February 17, 2006
Have You Got A Light Mac? No, But I've Got A New Diving Suit: A Reluctant Outlaw's Response To The English Ban On Smoking
The recent vote by MPs to ban smoking in public places in England and Wales has, I am sorry to say, scuppered my plans to run a Puffer's Bothy at a secret location in the borders. An unventilated building had been identified, and a membership of 17 breathless souls had signed up with the intention of forming the Pestilent Air Society, a private members' club catering for those who find fresh air too taxing. The articles of assocation also included a designated drivers' rota, to take this bold constituency of Scottish wheezers to and from the club, wherein pipes would be packed, stogies chewed, and cinammon sticks lit, as a prelude to a ceremony in which we would chase a fox around a Wicker Man before settling down to a dinner of half-cooked beef-on-the-bone and eggy soldiers in a salmonella sauce.
As the society has now been outlawed, I have contacted my tailor, Mr Taper of Aitken and Cousteau (School Uniforms and Wetsuit Specialists of Hawick), and had him design me a smoking suit which will allow me to indulge my pipe in public without fear of arrest. The outfit is modelled on an early diving suit, incorporating the closed-circuit oxygen re-breather invented by Mr Henry Fleuss in 1876. As Mr Fleuss died from breathing pure oxygen when testing his device, the adapted garment includes a watertight tobacco pouch - a Walnut Plug plug - and a sealed helmet which traps the smoke inside the suit. It is effective to a depth of 20 metres, which is slightly more than 20 yards.
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