Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Mr Jeremy Paxman, That Irksome Scunner Of The Scots, Drives A Battered Vauxhall Astra Into The War On Neds

  Posted by Picasa Further evidence - as if any were needed - of the ineffectiveness of the War on Neds has been provided by BBC2's Newsnight. The programme drove a Vauxhall Astra around Scotland festooned with the flag of St George, as part of a serious investigation into the problem of anti-English racism. (Translation for readers in Caledonia: In an attempt to have some knockabout fun with the Jocks, a reporter was sent North with a mission to be abused).
The experiment was successful. Somewhere in the East End of Glasgow, a gang of neds set upon the parked Astra, tearing its flags off, jumping on the bonnet, and smashing the windscreen.
Last night, in Newsnight's second report into this incident, that Scunner of the Scots, Mr Jeremy Paxman, asked one of the people in the SNP who is not Mr Alex Salmond whether the car would have been vandalised if it had been decorated with the flag of Trinidad and Tobago. I would like to be able to report the reply of the SNP chump, but I decided that my life would be more fulfilled if I turned off the television and took an overdose of Lithium instead.
But what, really, did the report prove? At most, it showed that if a television crew drives past a colony of neds in a ridiculous vehicle and then leaves said vehicle abandoned in the street, it will be attacked. One does not need to be Sir David Attenborough to predict this; a similar effect could be observed by leaving a banana wagon untended in the middle of Blair Drummond safari park, if the park has gibbons, which I suspect it does not. But the link with racism is tenuous. The violence is territorial.
I had a similar experience several years ago, when working on a community drama Mr James Hogg's Confessions of a Justified Sinner. The dress-rehearsal was almost complete - we were working our way through the final scene, in which Mr Hogg's death by hiccups was rendered as a honky tonk anthem, complete with yodeling and pedal steel guitar - when I became aware of a commotion in the street. Naturally, I waited until the final chorus was sung before venturing outside the Pilton Triangle to investigate. At first I could see nothing wrong. The scheme was dark and quiet, apart from the pack of dogs running round a burning police car. I drove home relieved, allowing myself a small yodel of satisfaction as I motored past the Rizla Garage at Crewe Toll. But in the morning, as I clambered into my vehicle, I noticed that someone had drawn on the bonnet a cartoon of an erect male member in the moment of ejaculation.
It is difficult to say what was more embarrassing: ignoring the graffito, or trying to scrub it off. But I do know that I got some funny looks at the traffic lights, and that if I had parked my obscenely-decorated Morris Minor anywhere in the New Town it would have towed away, crushed, and sold to the Scottish National Gallery of Modern Art as a symbol of moral depravity.

6 comments:

BondBloke said...

This is just another Stupid stunt like the one in Scotland on Sunday a while back; I mean if you go out trying to provoke people you should not be surprised when they react. As you say nothing at all to do with racism, but very reflective of the boredom of the angry young people that can be found anywhere...

Jackson said...

Are you sure, sir, that what you took to be a thrusting member drawn on your bonnet was not in fact a well meaning but crude attempt to draw a rocket? I believe yon were the days of the Apollo triumphs, and choose to believe further that the local youths were, in the fashion of aborignes, merely trying to replicate the event for posterity. I fancy that had you looked closely you might have seen Buzz Aldrin's face

Andrew said...

I will, as as I have for the past 27 years, be spending my summer holidays at Blair Atholl caravan park. In the past, entertainment has been derived from encouraging reluctant fellow campers to take part in a re-enactment of the Battle of Killiecrankie and visiting to the Water Mill tea room. Thanks to your article, I am now looking forward to taunting exotic beasts such as lions, tigers and bactrian camels as they roam around Blair Atholl Safari Park. The only problem is it doesn't appear on any map.

Kirk Elder said...

Thanks to a clerical error, I relocated the Blair Drummond safari park to Blair Atholl. No slight was mean to either place. However, if you are looking for bison, rhinoceros and cheeky chimps, I suggest Blair Drummond is a safer bet. Of course, many of these creatures can be seen in the wild in Haddington.

hack11 said...

"...if you are looking for bison, rhinoceros and cheeky chimps, I suggest Blair Drummond is a safer bet. Of course, many of these creatures can be seen in the wild in Haddington."
The very same species can be found in the wild in Blair Atholl, usually roaming drunkenly between the Atholl Arms and the Tilt Hotel.

Anonymous said...

If you are looking for a bison then the most obvious place might well be an Australian kitchen sink.